Need advice on my future sister in law?
I need some advice on this situation with my SIL.
Sorry so long!
My SIL is 22 years old and was renting one side of a small duplex from her mother’s boss for about two years. In June my SIL was fired from her job as an entry level manager / waitress at IHOP because the cash register came up short twice. This last Monday my MIL had to evict my SIL from her duplex because she hadn’t paid rent since June. She also hadn’t paid her cell phone bill and that’s now been disconnected. She didn’t take care of her car so her car engine caught on fire so my MIL bought her another car in July. She loaned her car out to a “friend” a week or so ago and her friend was pulled over for a DWI and the car was impounded. This last Monday along with evicting my SIL my MIL bailed her car out of the impound and found that her registration sticker had been stolen. My MIL paid for my SIL new sticker and found her a storage unit to place her stuff and my SIL moved in with a friend’s mother.
Well now my SIL has called and asked to move in with me. I care about her but she is known to have temper tantrums, she’s extremely lazy and sloppy, smokes and has two cats.
I don’t care for cats and she doesn’t clean their litter box out enough so they end up urinating on her stuff. When she moved into the duplex originally we had to throw out a good amount of her clothes because they smelled of cat urine and on a few items we found cat feces. The clothes were originally stored shoved into the back of a closet from where we had moved her.
She never or rarely cleaned the duplex she was living in. The one time she told me that her boyfriend (a 38 year old man with two children) had come over and cleaned her house and she wanted me to look at it. Her place was in a state where my house had never reached at its worse. Her stove showed signs of cooked on food and boil over, the shower showed signs of where she had shaved her legs, her stuff was shoved into corners etc. I asked her why she didn’t wipe up the mess on her stove before the stuff dried and she responded with “I don’t know”.
I’m not a clean freak but I like a clean house. My mother was a clean freak, people often commented on how you could eat off her floors. I never became that extreme but again, my house is organized and clean.
My fiancé (her brother) is allergic to cigarette smoke and I don’t like living with cats. No offense to people who love cats. I love other people’s cats but I don’t want to live with them.
My fiancé and I are having a house built and in November we will move into it. She wants to come live with us but because of these huge differences between us I’m worried about letting her. I have thought about letting her as long as she is 1) enrolls in a trade school 2) keeps her room clean (didn’t say organized just clean) 3) cleans up after herself and 4) No one allowed at our house without us being there and without our permission. 5) Pay for her own food , utilities and whatever stuff she needs such as laundry soap, shampoo etc OR we come up with a monthly figure that will help cover these items 6) works out a monthly payment plan to pay her mother back for everything she owes
My problem is I don’t think she could stick to these rules and I’m worried about the cats. I have three small dogs already which will be a handful and I don’t know how they will react to having two cats in the house. I also love house plants and from what I have seen in the past with my mother’s cats , cats love house plants too but as a snack.
So any advice? Also please … I’m not trying to get rid of the cats. My preference would be if she does move in, no cats but I can’t be that mean.
Forgot to mention ... she did get another job at a day care as a cook in the middle of July (I think) and now works at HEB part time as well.
My fiance's response when I told him that his sister asked to move in with us as "No! not even No, H*ll no!"
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Tags: 22 years, boil, car engine, cash register, cat feces, cat urine, cats, cell phone bill, clothes, duplex, dwi, ihop, last monday, legs, litter box, old man, registration sticker, storage unit, temper tantrums, waitress
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Your SIL has a bad track record in every aspect of her life. The red flags are there, so pay attention to them! You don’t need anyone to tell you what you should do. You know. "You" have provided the best argument and evidence of why your SIL should NOT move in with you. Past performance is indicative of future behavior. Her problems will fast become "YOUR" problems if you allow her to move in. When someone constantly writes a bad check in life, people start refusing to cash them. She is a bad risk, which is a title she earned for herself through her actions.You need to be honest with her and tell her that she has too many things going on in her life that you cannot risk becoming a part of YOUR life. Tell her that you can give her the phone numbers for the local churches that can put her in touch with the right services, as well as women support services that will help her. If you take her in you will be another "enabler" in her life. If she or any family member gets mad at you, so be it! It may be a risk that they are willing to take, but not you. If a bank, an employee, and her mother are not willing to credit her with help…then that is a clear sign that she is not creditworthy. In this case you must make a decision with your head, not your heart. You can help her by directing her to other services that can help her, and that will hold her accountable. You are not your SIL’s solution. She needs to take stock of her mistakes and realize that she is where she is by the choices she made. Her next decision should be to get her life on course independant of family. There is a saying…"You can lock a thief out of your house, but not a liar." If you allow her to move into your home you will be opening your door to a thief and a liar. If this still hasn’t convinced you to say "NO", then ask yourself one question…What can I afford to lose?
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Don’t let her move in with you. You would regret it. Really think you have to help her out? You would be better off "loaning" her some money to make a deposit on a new place. That would be money that would never be paid back but you DO NOT want to share your home with this woman.
Just say NO.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
take it from someone who knows, don’t do it. i know it sounds mean, and i’m sorry, but when we let my great aunt stay with us (who has a lot of the same problems and more) it was hell! she ended up leaving in the end and costing us our new house and putting a bunch of money back on our almost-paid-off credit cards.
i know it’s hard to say no when you care about someone, but it doesn’t sound at all like a good idea to me.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
eeewww no I would not let her move inshe dirty and lazy as it is. just talk to your fiance’ and tell him you plan on living with just him and not her i know its mean but thats nasty.but but but
if you do decide just tell her the rules then tell her no cats.PERIOD….
and thats that. if she don’t like it then tell her to go live with your MIL.
sorry to hard to help you decide and just tell her that you don’t want your house ending up like how her apt. looked like when you helped her move out and be real with her don’t let things get in the way, tell her the truth. what does your fiance have to say about this?
just remember once you move her in you will never get rid of her. and she might even break you and your fiance up thats how things work and end up happening..best of luck.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Sweetie, No need to explain any further. No,No,No to all of your questions. You can not help her, because she doesn’t want help herself. Don’t fall into the same trap as your MIL. It’s OK to say NO.
Good Luck.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
I did not read the entire details of this situation – I am warning you – Do NOT let her move in. You will have more problems than you need. You can choose your friends not family. Your house is meant for you and your intended and future children. Not an adult SIL who can not take care of herself. This will eventually cause arguments and hurt feelings. Let her mother continue to bail her out everytime she has problems until she can’t help her anymore. I think she already has done too much. This is not a child we’re talking about. I have not ever had to ask my parents or family for help.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
I would suggest not to let her live with you! She seems very immature for a woman that is 22. If you let her move in you will replace her mom. You will be the one getting her out of trouble and rescuing her when she needs. This will cause conflict between you and your husband. I can understand wanting to help her out but think of your life and the life you share with your husband. She is use to having people fix her life when she can’t. Seems everyone should back off and let her grow up and start taking responsibility of her own life! I just really cannot see her moving in and it working out!
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
my fiance and i lived together and to be nice, we let his sister move in (she was 24, i was 19 and my fiance was 22)…BIGGEST MISTAKE OF OUR LIVES!!!!! She was supposed to pay us $200 for rent, she lived with us for two months and didn’t even pay half of that, she ate our food, talked to me like some piece of shit and threw a temper tantrum and punched two holes in our wall…after that…i decided i don’t want anyone living with me like that…you SIL may be totally different, but if your having doubts know and she’s acting immaturely, chances are thing won’t work out like YOU are wanting…
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Tell her no. If she needs reasons: 1) your fiance (her brother) is allergic to cigarette smoke. She has to quit smoking first. 2) you have three dogs and they may not get along with her cats. She would have to get rid of the cats. 3) she has outstanding debts that she has to clear up fisrt. Once you let her into your house it will be almost impossible to get her out. Don’t allow her to take advantage of you.
January 31st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
I’ve dealt with people like this before, sadly they don’t change (they will die this way). but there is a way to deal with this. the most important thing is that she is around clean successful people,the least time she see’s you the better but when she does see you give her advice or be distant, people that throw tantrums only do that to people they know well or people who aren’t usually on the same side as them. It drastically helps if you have a common enemy.hope i helped i deal with people like that every day.